feel intoxicated. powerless to escape being a hikikomori. thoughts feel like they are smattering psychodrivel

any productive thought i have soon turns to stone. last week, i thought about manipulating my hormonal secretions (in confluence with momentary autogynephilic bursts) to indirectly increase my willpower (a proxy variable). it worked for a week, yet thereafter became useless to me. it's hard to maintain a diet and routine predicated on transforming arousal into productivity.

i wonder how things will be in a month or two

i've come across certain ideas during certain schizoanalytic episodes. i'm not sure if i can really handle the full implications of them, since they are, in large part, far too sophisticated for my own mind to even fully comprehend. i really wish someone would take the reins of my own thoughts. i don't even know where to begin at this point
i wonder if they contain any value at all, even

    working i really wish someone would take the reins of my own thoughts

    hmm, what do you mean by this?

        working Heya mate, care to talk? As someone who suffers from a psychotic disorder, I've been in a similar place myself. I'd be real happy if we got to chat.

          malmon I often have this feeling. Especially as of recent, I've been wondering what life would resemble if I were a bit more obedient, a bit more incurious. Felt even the slightest shred of joy in "sticking to the script". Instead, every moment is a desperate bid to make sense of their experience in the world. A wild pendulum between existential sorrow, and meaningful happiness.

          I want off Mr. Sartre's wild ride.

            I wonder if there is a way to repopulate this place... @clare have you ever thought about trying?

              COUPLED i do think of trying all the time but struggle with motivation and attention span.

              i'm working on a project currently that may benefit lewd (probably won't, we'll see) but not sure that lewd will be my main focus unless it was building something and using lewd as the foundation for it (as opposed to making lewd better).