I finally was able to put an observation about myself into words the other day.
I've always been supremely attracted to people, either romantically or otherwise, who are outcasts, loners, losers, weirdos, freaks, autists, etc. I remember in high school I tried to make friends with a girl who had some issues (not sure exactly what they were, but she clearly had something like aspergers and also scoliosis) and people thought that I was extraordinarily kind and doing some kind of charity work because of it, but I never thought of it like that. I was just interested in people who were "outside of the norm" in some way. Even today most of my friends online are outsiders and loners and my IRL friends, if not complete loners, are at least unusual/weeb/nerd/etc. to some capacity. I just find that those people have more interesting perspectives on the world to me and generally more similar hobbies to myself.
But it has a bad effect too. I'm an unusually empathetic person and other people's negative emotions "stick" to me far too easily. And, unfortunately, people who are loners/outcasts/nerds tend to be very cynical, depressed, and negative. It's hard when people with the best taste in things always tend to be interpersonally depressing. I'm not a very optimistic person; in fact I'd say I'm rather cynical, but I know that depressing thoughts can be suicidal for my well-being, so I've had to develop a kind of brainwashed optimism. But it's hard, it feels like all I've done is shelter myself more and more.
So how do I keep making friends with the weirdos, the outcasts, the scummy NEET weebs, without becoming intensely depressed? I don't know, but I need to find some way. It's better than being friends with a bunch of NPCs, that's for sure.
