Random thoughts thread
think i'll become a zombie if I don't get accepted into school
executive order signed, want to roll back gender change on federal documents. Wonder if i'll get my passport taken away
I wonder how long I can continue to live independently of meaningful social interaction. My thoughts seem like a slew of vague impressions at the moment. If we are social beings, then coinsurance through others is the greatest anchor in reality that you can hope to have. It feels like I was born into insularity.
Valentine's Day has rolled around. Just another reminder of how lonely I am. It almost pains me to go outside now, it pains me to look at the girl wearing a croptop at the supermarket, to look at that girl in the park pushing a white pram, or the Vivienne Westwood urbaners with hennaed hair... I'm so disconnected from these people. I also probably have a throat infection right now, so that doesn't help.
I'm invisible to people, which is what I always wanted, but I can't help but miss the presence of others. Feels like I've become lion food. Thinking about a lot of things, but it all comes out as a pharyngealized whimper.
malmon Probably my fault for giving it meaning just because others do. Any novelty feels good to me, which is why I chose to leave my house in the first place. I shouldn't have anything to complain about.
No thoughts, head empty. University is starting up again. I don't think that I'll be able to talk to anyone yet. Feels like I'm going through the throes of inertia, trying to reconnect with people despite not having spoken to anyone for months.
Someone once told me that isolation was "retarding" in a way. That's probably true, and I'm all the worse for it;--whether it's really all so ugly and anarchic, there's really no excuse for the level of social incompetency that I'm habitually couched in.
working Someone once told me that isolation was "retarding" in a way.
I think I can agree with this. Maybe not strictly speaking retarding, but one tends to lose their eloquence once dialogue becomes a novelty. I find the days when I feel the most mentally clear are those where I spend the most time talking with other people.
There's certainly some truth to this in my case too. I noticed I have troubles speaking with people after I don't interact with anyone for longer periods.
I tried speaking to someone outside of my immediate family the other day. It's almost a resource-intensive exercise trying to constrain my awkward vocal tics and impedimented speech, which have become a lot worse since last I spoke to another person. It was embarrassing. The third-person image that occurred to me then was of a fat-tongued sperg engaged in drooling gibber. I'm sure he'd cut me some slack, but immediate impressions are lasting after long enough intervals.
The word "glossolalia" comes to mind (maybe through self-pejoratives or pseudo-literary diktat, a term like "bibliobibuli" might better suit the feeling of being "drunk on books", but having little purchase in the way of speaking.)
Outside of that, all is well. I am living comfortably. Amputating my present from the future seems to put one in a "zone" of comfort. I haven't become an alcoholic.
Arisuchan came back from the dead at arisuchan.xyz
No idea if it's run by the same people. Mentioning because it used to be linked here.
Oooooooh, I loved Arisuchan. It always felt so cozy compared to Lainchan. I will have to check it out.
10 years
Things are going well. Went to the gym, cleaned up my room. Finally understood what people mean by "taking small steps" without any consideration for the future. Sort of cruising along otherwise, workshopping productivity. I feel as if I could become one of those old lurkers who abandon the internet lingo and pursue a "normal" life, only paying in mind certain netcoded gestures along the way. After university wraps up I'll get a job and slowly reintegrate myself into society. The Satou arc begins, I hope.
tfw excited about a new member posting, only for it to be spam :c