How to deal with constant agonizing thoughts

IlIlIlIlIl

I know not a lot of people use this forum, but I wanted to write in a place where I feel comfortable and free to express myself and my feelings.

Over the last year, I have had spurts of time where I really could not stand living anymore. It started in January and didn't end until May. I guess I was off from school, and was distracted temporarily. I had a summer that also kept my morale up for a while but it is finally withering away.

I am now in fear of moving ever so closer to the position I was in early March. Everyday I would wake up and wish something would kill me. For reasons I can't explain myself, I could not do it myself. I think I would cry myself asleep nearly every night, quietly trying to hide it from my roommate who I had rarely spoken any words to.

I think part of the reason I never took taking my life into my own hands is because of the thoughts I am having now. For the past hour, the thought of "i don't want to die alone" has been pulsating through my head along with the thought "I don't want to live anymore". These are of course contradictive thoughts. The other surrounding thought is just scenarios of me picturing in my head how I would die. I imagined falling from a building and leaving some notes and things I considered deep to my heart at the top of the building for someone to find or just jumping into traffic but I never had the courage to carry either out. I wanted something to kill me instead. Simply put, I am scared to die but...

I will admit though, I was reluctant to write this post. I feel that many people that have similar thoughts like this to me are in a much worse place. For one, I have a family that tries their best to make me happy. Unfortunately I feel a disconnect between them and myself. They don't know these thoughts that go through my head. I also have friends from high school that, while I haven't seen in person for 3 years, are generally available to talk to. But this topic would only lead to judgement and weigh them down with dealing with someone like me who thinks like this. So I rarely bring it up or try to make a half hearted joke.

I think many of my fears revolve around 1. The lack of romance in my life that I so dearly desire. And 2. The fear of the future. I don't want to be alone for my life, but everyone around me (in person, like my sibling and the family friends which i have a big disconnect with) has a significant other, and I am really scared for what i will do after I graduate university. I don't want to let my family down. I feel like I am a complete worthless person to them. For them to spend so much time and money on me, only for me to be a piece of shit failure is something I don't want to continue. I'd rather kill myself than waste any more of their life on me.

The second part is a little less agonizing as there is still time before the day, but I feel really behind others.

It's mainly the first part with some other problems as well. I once heard a phrase that went like something like this "The thing every person wants the most, is always the furtherest away".

Everytime I explain my situation to someone I know, whether it's a highschool friend or my family's friends children that are my age, it's always the same 2 answers:

"Just wait. You'll find someone"
Or
"You have to put in the effort"

Maybe I am just unworthy of anyone.

Maybe one day I will break this courage and just kill myself. But until then, I'm with these thoughts that hurt my heart with so much agony. I don't even cry anymore, I just feel my heart wrecked with pain.

I apologize for this long wall of nothingness text, and I'm sure most will see it as a pathetic complaint. I just wanted somewhere to write this and make my heart hurt a little less.

malmon

I empathise with a lot of your feelings, to be honest. Can't say I'm particularly suicidal, but the loneliness plus a rather unpleasant health issue do also make my life pretty miserable a lot of the time.

I suppose first of all, is do you think that getting a partner would clear up most of your grievances, or do you think it could be something more personal to yourself that's getting in the way?

Feel free to message me if you wanna talk, but would rather not in public.

IlIlIlIlIl

malmon

Some time has passed since I wrote this. And when you say "do you think that getting a partner would clear up most of your grievances", I think from a realistic perspective, probably not.

I think my main goal is to find both a meaning and a path in life. I feel stranded, and I think being alone is what is amplifying this root of panic inside of me. I think during the moment of writing this, I was alone, and because of that I blamed it on that as the center-point of my helplessness.

I can't say for sure, but perhaps getting a partner could be helpful in perhaps finding a meaning, but it is certainly not 1. a realistic route 2. a guaranteeing route

I just simply feel lost. Without purpose nor direction. I don't have motivation and very few reasons to carry on.

malmon

Hmm, I'm not a therapist or anything, so excuse me if I'm not helpful at all, or am cliche.

Do you have any plans or ideas for what to do after university? What is it you're studying anyway? Do you have any hobbies that perhaps your uni has a club for?

Just doing stuff you enjoy with other people in real life may go some way to alleviating the loneliness, and, if you're lucky, lead to romance. I think the irl aspect is important because, ultimately, online friends are ethereal unless the effort is made to hang out irl. Even so, however, it's difficult to beat proximity, proper camaraderie, and reliability of someone you can physically get in touch and do stuff with. Humans, much like apes or wolves, naturally need a pack to stick with.

It may be worth breaking down that barrier with your parents/family. If you're a dude, then preferably with your father or an uncle. I understand that nobody wants to be a burden, but ultimately, that's what family is there for - to support each other through various difficulties. If they're mature enough, I'm sure they'd understand. The issue with asking someone your age, is that while it may be easier to do so, they're unlikely to have enough life experience to really be able to help beyond emotional support (much like me ^^').