hello
it's been a minute
anyway, title
up until this point i have survived suicidal thoughts that ramped up into ideation many times to varying degrees of intensity
it's fucking weird, anomalous, that i'm still alive
when someone you knew--maybe someone you were close to--ended their life, you may have thought "damn i wish i did something"
maybe i am someone who would be dead if not for the threads that i hang by
i am someone who would be dead
i'm in my early 20s now but i don't think my mind has really changed all that much from years ago
feels like i'm the same person, more so than other people, and maybe my psychology is frozen at 16 idk
i feel like i haven't loved people adequately, haven't expressed my feelings that i've had for years and years which never have gone away without having even interacted with them in so long
maybe it's supposed to be that way because i have a fucked up borderline personality disorder brain and i experience love in a way that others don't and maybe couldn't even relate to
maybe some normal person would call my experience and how i can never get over exes or anything of that nature "attachment issues" but i'd phrase it as unending love and unending pain which is sustained by memories burnt into my skull
if i ever loved you, i still love you