This isn't something I ever thought I'd have to write. At least not at this stage of my life. But here goes.
Sanya Schmidt, who some of you may have known as moeki, pikikie, hayra, Kai, or simply @Sanya, has taken her own life. I don't know exactly when, how, or where, but most likely on the evening of the 16th of October 2021. She unfortunately lost her lifelong battle with her various mental health issues, primarily schizophrenia.
Sanya was genuinely the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I have ever known. I wish that was an understatement. One of only two people in my life I've ever felt free enough to fully express myself around. The closest I've ever been to someone. I'm sure that anyone else who knew her would feel the same way. Outstandingly creative in the most unorthodox way. The way she made decisions on visual and sound design was incomprehensible to me, with criteria often being nothing more than feeling, how a song or shape felt to her, how it resonated through her soul... But the end result was always nothing short of perfection. She carried her life, always following her feelings. Rarely logic, or sense. At times, this was frustrating, but ultimately, it was her. She dedicated her later life to pure selflessness. She didn't care that she lived off scraps, or whether her work would be appreciated or not. She did it to save everyone else, sacrificing herself in the process. She always made sure that those who helped her knew how much she appreciated them, how much she loved them. Sanya deserved so much more than she ever got out of Life, not that she would ever admit so. This... is the only thing she ever did for herself.
We understood each other like nobody else. We had our own mannerisms, near enough our own dialect sometimes. Dumb things that only we understood. Jokes that only we said, and played on each other, endless teasing about funny typos. How she'd send me random Lain pictures with no context, and I'd retaliate with Misakas, sometimes vice versa. Nonsense routines that we played out every day...
She hadn't been here very much lately, but this forum will always serve as a reminder of where and when we first met, and I'm sure that those of you who knew her will still remember her fondly. Since that time, she's been a constant in my life for six years. We had a romantic spell for a while, and even though that didn't work out in the end, we've always been by each other's sides despite the distance, and sometimes frequent, long-term fallings out. She was never any good with people. Always struggled to see how someone else could possibly like her. Always struggled to make her voice heard by anyone. Chronically misunderstood. I'm not much better in that regard, but we refused to leave each other alone regardless. Lewd was a comfy place where she managed to fit in for a while, and find the person she'd spend the rest of her life with, even if only virtually. I really hope she enjoyed our time. I wish it was longer.
I remember when we first met, when she first joined. Or maybe I joined, I don't remember now. She was such a happy, fluffy, even adventurous person. Talking about her trips to London, Berlin, about the music she made, about the friends she had. I was always shy and nervous, talking to her. Surely, someone as cute and popular as her wouldn't want to be bothered by me. ...It was painful, witnessing her gradual decline over the years, and even though, sincerely regrettably, there were times where I felt my life would have been easier had I never met her, this is never how I wanted things to end. I had always hoped that things would turn around, that she would get better, that she would once again be that cheerful, bubbly girl with hopes and dreams. Forgive me, Sanya. I know you hate it when I say that.
There were times when I treated her awfully. Times when we maybe lost her much sooner. I'll never forgive myself for those actions, for all those vile words I spat her way when I was angry, and while she'd always forgive me, deep down, I could see how much I hurt her. I could never take those words back. I could never undo the damage... I wish I could have properly apologised to her, being a bit older, and maybe a bit more mature. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, Sanya. You never deserved any of that. You trusted me, and I broke your heart.
She was truly like no other person I've met before, or will likely ever meet again. She was smart. She knew me well. Very well. Too well. There were times before, where I immediately felt that something was wrong, and I would do something to bring her back. It seems that eventually, she figured out how to put me at ease. She told me that she was going away on a short holiday to a nearby city for three days. I was so happy for her. I thought that finally, she finished her website, now she has time to get her life back on some sort of track. I was so certain that she would return, I didn't even think to ask where she was going... She had no phone; I had no way to contact her. She left on the 12th. To paraphrase some of her final words to me: she was... done with what she needed to do in Life. She had to go home. She didn't come back.
I received her suicide note on the 16th, pre-recorded on the 11th, via a time-delayed email. She recorded it right after we played our last game of Worms together, watched our last YouTube videos together, listened to our favourite songs together... The last time I told her goodnight. Normally, we would always end on a Drax song. On our last full day together, she picked 千年の雨の終わりに by 和田たけあき. At The End Of The Thousand Year Rain.
I delayed writing this, because Sanya had not actually been found until the 11th, and I was told by the Police and her parents today. John, Tsuki, scav, plastic, Yori, or anyone else who was close to her, should you be reading this, I'm sorry. Really... really sorry. I tried my best. I should have known, and treated her better.
I'm not ready for you to go... There was so much I still wanted to do. I didn't even get to say goodbye. Please come back. If you really are gone, then I hope that you were right, and that you're finally happy, back at home, with your true family. You'll always be a part of mine. I'll love you, and miss you for ever, for the rest of my life, and for eternity into whatever afterlife there might be, if you're not there, waiting for me, Sanya... limoncello. I will forever keep the promise I made to you those years ago. You were the best friend I ever had. I'm sorry it took this for me to realise it. I did not appreciate you even a fraction as much as I should have. Thank you for existing, snuggliest lemon. Thank you for everything. Ashgunimai. Xatensj xannti xogadetanjo. Goodbye, Sanya. Goodbye, Kai. Goodbye.
[Mon Oct 11 2021 13:42:07] <beegu> on a personal, internal level, this one has always felt closest to me.
I was her shelter, from all the sadness life threw at her. I hadn't been able to listen to this since we ended our romantic relationship, but it feels appropriate to include our song... for old time's sake.
Please, tresure your loved ones. You may not be able to be there for them all the time, but should you ever part ways, at least you'll have spent life with them to the full. And remember to think twice about how you treat them, and what you say to them when you're angry or upset. The things you end up never getting around to apologising for are those that'll haunt the good memories. She was a greater shelter for me than I had ever realised.
2021-10-10 19:20:27 @pikikie http://apod.nasa.gov/apod/ap211010.html ...
2021-10-10 19:22:19 @pikikie This Saturday, October 16, is International Observe the Moon Night [...]
2021-10-10 19:22:59 @pikikie this touches on something. feels like memory.
Until we meet again, dear Sanya.
In loving memory of Sanya Schmidt. 7th of May 1996 - October 2021. May you rest in peace. You will never be forgotten. I promise, I will never forget you.
2021-10-12 12:37:42 @pikikie the lemon loves you. you're the best friend the lemon could ever ask for.
