It's honestly incredible how bitter and cynical I've managed to become in the span of just these past... seven months? Jesus. That time has seen me uncover the howling nightmare that's my PTSD, get ignored outta spite when I was direly ill, and witness even people I trust conduct themselves with such cruelty that I don't even recognize them anymore.
I suppose cast in such a situation, the previous me would have struggled to maintain her smile in spite of it all. I still do, in good company. You guys have seen me at my best. Yet among the the housemates I once called my family, it's becoming apparent that both care more for what they can get out of me than any sense of genuine closeness.
And, you know, I can't fault them for that. In the midst of a pandemic when the whole country seems like it's burning to the ground [ Those Californian wildfires literally looked like a depiction of hell. ], everyone's trying to watch their own back, and, frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if some didn't know anything but that comfort. My oldest co-worker, and especially my mom strike me as tremendous man-children.
Doesn't mean I wouldn't put a .44 to the back of their skulls, though. It wouldn't even be for the thrill, just convenience, say the chips were down. Appraising them as I do now, I can only reckon they'd do the same to me.
But... is that really a healthy way of looking at it? Disconnecting my emotions till the last hours of work? I look to my brother, and I feel a slight unease knowing I haven't felt close to him in... nearly half a decade. And although I've just recovered from the misery of last week - when a cruel insurance policy saw me run out of antidepressants and questioning my very humanity - part of me still wants to lock myself away from other people for good.
And yet, I don't. At the end of each night, I remind myself that I'm someone special, that I'm destined for something great. In that vein, perhaps it's best to embrace that I really don't care much about any of these people. On the contrary, I know who's looked after me at my worst, and I'll do everything I can to take care of them. I suppose, that's what makes me feel human again.