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Valkyrie Drive: Mermaid

Contains spoilers, NSFW screenshots, and screams of agony. Yay!

As I've been trying to prove for a while, and probably didn't even have to, bad anime do exist in this world. And it's not like it limits to only the word 'bad'. There are anime simply bad, there are anime that went bad over time (for instance the infamous Sword Art Online series), there are anime so bad they're funny, there are also those that make you question their very existence. There are those ambitious titles that are bad simply because the creators didn't have enough time or resources to polish them properly, as well as those creations that were created for too thin an audience to be appreciated by the rest of the world. Valyrie Drive: Mermaid is none of these. It had both the time, the resources, and possibly a nice idea (who knows, maybe somewhere in this pile of junk was the script for One Punch Man?). Hell, it got something more - the actual permission to use the uncensored material on TV. Yes, nipples. It's a goal some thought unimaginable, but as Valkyrie Drive proved, achievable. And that's exactly why everything else went to shit.

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Madagascar all over again?

The anime welcomes us with a sequence that makes no sense. A girl is sent to a secluded, closed off island because she's a carrier of something called Armed Virus, that changes the carriers into... weapons. Alright, this much I do understand, but... what was the cause of the virus? Why does it only affect the females? Why do all the virus carriers have to be sent and forcefully separated from the rest of the world? The creators weren't as gracious as to tell us. Well, let's get to the next part, then... the girls (because for some reason there's only one adolescent woman on the whole Island), in order to change into weapons, have to... orgasm? You know what, I could argue about this detail for at least an hour non stop, but I understood Seikon no Qwaser's sucking milk out of boobs to power up, so I'll just let it go with a 'WOW' written under.

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Funny pun. Why aren't you laughing?

The protagonist's name is Mamori Tokonome. Which just so happens to be spelt like 'virgin' in Japanese. Oh, such funny puns, it would be a shame if they didn't use it... and they did. A lot. It's the kind of joke that got old with the first usage, and the producers just kept on abusing it. So, Tokonome is sent to this island, doesn't even know what's going on and finds trouble the moment she tries to explore. By the by, I just can't stop being cynical about how cliche this whole thing is despite trying to fight off every possible cliche with originality of the setting. Which doesn't really help. The Clumsy Loading Image and Innocent Loading Image Middle Schooler Loading Image arrives on a Secluded Island Loading Image to Face Various Enemies Loading Image with the Help Loading Image of Overly Reliable Sidekick Loading Image with Huge Boobs Loading Image for No Reason At All Loading Image. Well, to continue with the review...

Around the time Tokonome finds Trouble Loading Image, Shikishima Mirei, our big breasted Savior Loading Image, just Sort Of Happens Loading Image to arrive Right On Time Loading Image and rescue Tokonome. She forces her into a passionate kiss, which makes her orgasm (what) and so she can use her as a weapon to Kick Bad Guys' Butts Loading Image. Yes, this is still the first episode. What else can happen in it, you wonder... well, I assure you that they don't do the most logical thing and stop fighting, leading moderately normal lives on the secluded island; but rather, keep on fighting for whatever reason. Also, am I the only one who thinks it's highly illogical to make girls fight against each other when they're all in the same helpless situation?

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I'm sure this is the only reason some people even touched this series.

Ah, yeah... the boobies. This thing right here is the selling point of Valkyrie Drive. This anime does not have a clear audience, so it tried to appeal to the males by showing the nipples and pretty much making out - everything perfectly without any censorship - on the TV. And so the males got what they deserved for falling for the clickbait - a worse than mediocre anime with making out lesbians and immature drama. These boobs are what you're going to see a lot during the show - and I mean a fair lot. They had to use their permission to show the nipples on TV, after all - especially since they advertised the show by giving random Akihabara dwellers cards with girls' portraits, topless, without nipples; and their job was to walk around some shops in the district and matching the nipples by stampling them onto appropriate characters. I understand the great kissing hype (Campione or Yamada-kun no 7-nin no Majo were great), I understand people turning into weapons (there was a show with that setting uned nicely), I understand weird means of getting power (Seikon no Qwaser again), I also understand fights where the clothes get torn (Sekirei and countless other shows)... but good lord, not everything at once, in an uncensored by default, shameless show that this is.

Then there comes the fact, that the setting, as bad as it is, seems to be just forgotten by the producers as well. They set up rules in the first episode, that they promptly forgot in the following ones. Just in case you need a rundown of how things work in this universe:
On the island are only the girls infected by the Armed virus. Each of them is either a Liberator, one able to use a weapon properly, or an Exter, one able to turn into a weapon. The girls make out, the Exter gets an orga- I mean, reaches Drive, and voila.
The producers, as I've already mentioned, have no mercy for the rules they themselves created - and they prove it over and over. For starters, there's one impromptu male on the island (who's for some reason more girly than some of the girls, also, why do we need a straight out 'prince on a white horse' in a series that's made to be appealing to males? Do I need to mention 'he' is a 'she'?).

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Then there's the irrational behavior of our calm and composed Tokonome...

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The fact that money can be made into a Liberator... for... some... reason...?

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And these two, who are both Liberators and Exters at once. Because, as they said, fuck the rules!

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In case that wasn't enough to convince you... well, it gets worse. Way worse. It's hard enough as it is to treat seriously a series that wants to be a shoujo yuri filled with drama, and instead turns out to be a clickbait 'shounen' with nonsense action. But you know, it gets even worse. The producers for some reason decided that regular nipples weren't enough, and by episode five, they brought us... this.

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She's seriously called MINImi. Oh, lord.

They introduced a giant into the series. What's better, this giant was originally a girl, nobody knows why she grown so big, and the explanation they provide is... doesn't really explain anything. Something something virus something something Liberator something something love. And, for the love of all that's holy, they used her for a way less noble reason... they gave her some underwear (because hell yeah, we don't need those blankets anyway!), put it on her so she doesn't have to flash giant nipples every few seconds... and made her grow overnight, tearing that underwear apart. Also, I just can't really imagine any normal girl being fine with something like... this.

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I be floatin! Look at my jiggly bewbs!

The way they tackled the plot also isn't some revolutionary material. The 'good guys' have no real reason to fight, the 'bad guys' have no real reason to fight, the 'even worse guys' have absolutely no reason to even step in the action... Because, yeah, the psycho 'Miku' did make the series somewhat more enjoyable, but only for a few moments... then it went instantly back to being shit. There's no goal in this anime, every action or solution is half-assed and clearly not the best decision, and even the bona fide finale - when I finally thought it's all over, they decided it's not, and left space open for the next seasons for whatever reason. Nothing is explained, and most introductions seem like a pretty bad joke. Just like this one.

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Somebody's a real bulli here.

The only thing I really enjoyed was the opening. Which also makes me ask one very important question - how is it that the best openings usually lead to the worst anime? In this case, the great opening even furthers my hate on the series, because it unnecessarily kept me driven to it. And what a show it is... Except for all the rant you've read until now, there's one vital key to it - the animation. The thing is, visual aspects are not that bad - they're bland, washed out, but fancy enough to make it worthy of the '2015 anime' title. But... why did they use 3DCG? Exactly in one single moment of the entire series? It looks ugly. Just look at it...

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Polygons! Action! Shit!

In summary, I name it without further restraint: this is the worst anime I have ever watched. It serves no purpose, has no right of being and no real value to keep you entertained or... just make you not regret ever touching it. The setting is childish, the plot is bad, and if I wanted to see something like this:

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A giant with boobs is one thing but... a mecha with boobs... seriously?

I'd probably watch Shingeki no Kyojin or some Macross/Gundam/whatever else. I just feel awful some producers these days have so little respect for anime viewers they dare create something like this. What's next, Vampire Holmes?

In terms of score, if you really need any, it's 23 frames times 1422 seconds times 12 episodes.

Judgement: WHY.