I came to a conclusion. I'm stepping down.
I don't really know how to continue with this thread, so I'll just shove in random things in random order.
Firstly, I really enjoyed my days as staff, but I don't feel it's right to be one anymore. I will most likely regret ever stepping down, but proven there were the days to regret ever becoming one, it's a fair trade in the end.
Then come the reasons. In case anyone is unsure why I'm doing this, I'll just say that now. I don't really feel like I'm welcome as a member of staff anymore. And, moreover - I don't feel too good being staff myself. Compared to the days I was just your ordinary member, now it's more of a chore than having fun. Back then I could post freely with no care in the world - now, while I theoretically still can do that, it doesn't feel right to do so. I'm bound by chains of responsibility. Don't get me wrong, I really liked being staff, being able to help out the forum and Senpai as much as I could, and I still want to do that - I just can't do it the way it is.
The second thing is that I'm often influenced by my emotions to the extent of being even blinded by them. A staff member is not supposed to be like that and is more of a disgrace than anything else. If my decisions, somewhat influenced by emotions, ever hurt you, I do apologize.
Now, for the last thing. I feel like I've been trying too hard. I've been told multiple times than being a staff on Lewd is a rather loose position to take, given the amount of members we have and not really many of them breaking the rules - but I still wanted to be useful. And that's the problem. Among the rest of staff, being rather laid back and not treating things too seriously when there's no need to, someone like me, treating every small thing as a potential threat, does not really belong. I kept on enforcing the rules to kill others' fun and that probably led to some of you hating me. I'm sorry for that, but I still don't regret whatever decisions I came to.
Lastly, I just wanna say I still want to help out the forum, so nothing is set in stone yet. I will keep on introducing my ideas, keep on being active - even more so now I'm no longer a moderator. I just wanna thank everyone that encouraged me on my journey so far, but for now, this is as far as I go. I can't be a staff member until I'm ready to become one, and being one until now was a pleasant experiment that I did not deserve. Should I ever deserve this title, I'll be happy to look you in the faces again and carry on with that duty, but until that day comes, I will just be your ordinary based nana.
Thanks to everyone who read it.