Nothing says 'Japan' quite like Akihabara. Or giant robots. Or tentacles. Or, in this case, giant oppai denying all rules of physics. Eiken, the anime to be reviewed, is a short OVA series, consisting of two episodes, roughly half an hour long each. Which makes the whole show being potentially watchable in a little under an hour. Why I'm saying potentially... it took me six tries to actually start it. Over the course of the review you'll see why.
J.C.Staff. Ever heard of this studio? You should, since they're responsible for some of the most enjoyable series I had the pleasure to watch. DanMachi? Hidan no Aria? Golden Time? Ano Natsu de Matteru? Hentai Ouji to Warawanai Neko? These are just the few. None of them were perfect in any sense, but there was something about each of them that kept me watching. Now, imagine that the very same studio, back in 2003-2004, had the guts to dump one of the worst-looking anime ever. Eiken is not the sharpest tool in the shed, judging by the plot, but the graphics hold up on their own, right? Right? RIGHT? Well, not really. On the contrary, this anime looks like one of the lowest-grade low-budget hentai productions - with the difference it's not one. Ugly-looking, non-symmetrical eyes, boobs acting purely of their own accord, same animation deliberately used more than three times in less than two minutes (not even talking about boob jiggling now) or off-putting shadows are just the few of the many 'pleasures' awaiting you. To put it on today's standards... the anime looks like a project from Kickstarter, which raised less than 10% of the goal and still went forward to create their thing. Which leads me to believe that it deserves more than the standard rating opted for.
The soundtrack stands on a similar level. It doesn't excel in any field, preferring simple melodies. It isn't exactly a bad thing, as simple melodies are often even better than complicated sountracks, but this time it's less than enough to make the series bearable. It's not the worst thing the series has to offer, but on the same hand, it doesn't help you watch it.
Be it as it can, this paragraph asks for the word on voice acting. Remember the line about animation being used over and over from the previous paragraph? I'm sorry to say, but the same thing happens to the voice acting. While the first episode was rather normal in that sense, in the second episode we get to hear the same two lines over and over and over again. I'm not even joking: they copy-pasted the same audio a few times in a sequence. Very close on the timeline, mind you. Purely Eiken was the source material for Vaas's definition of insanity. I don't know what happened - whether they were lazy enough, the voice actress declined repeating the same line over and over again or any other reason, I don't even ask why, but... that's overkill. That's the bullet to the head of this mentally unstable production. The bullet so unfortunate, like Werther's, that the series is dying a slow, painful death.
I can hate all I want, but I can't deny that this series had the plot. While 'plot devices' played the upper hand there, the plot did exist. The protagonist, Mifune Dense-ku- I mean Densuke, enrolled into Zeshono academy (as he himself said: just cause he felt like it #thuglife). On the way to the academy, he tripped and fell onto the most popular student, grabbing her tatas. He immediately fell for her. And that's basically what this series is about. On the way to the final scene we'll encounter such gems as a fake prophet, Nonsense Games, The Rival„¢, Accidental Bananas„¢... all that just to see that it wasn't worth enduring. Finishing it didn't bring absolutely no satisfaction at all. That's the sin I can't simply ignore. Even Boku no Pico brought me this sweet feeling of 'no more torment' after I finished it. This one only brought relief as I could finally stop looking at the cancerous production, the relief so brief I'm just as lost as I was before watching it. In short... the plot was there. And that's the worst thing.
Let's talk a little about characters, then. There were so many of them, and they all meant so little to the show, it's not even worth it to try and remember their names. There's Dense-kun, the simple guy who's trying to win over a girl's heart, but is unfortunate due to accidents happening to him all the time. There's Shinonome Chiharu, his goal in life, the girl even denser than Dense-kun himself. Seriously, let's just take a break for a moment - which mentally stable girl would fall for a guy who grabbed her breasts in public, took her panties off, tore her top apart, put a foot in her mouth... Okay, you know what, forget it, let's move on. There's the little pink-haired girl with the largest rack of them all, the teacher who has trouble with her very presence, tall, purple-haired girl, who eats bananas or other dick-shaped things 99% of the screen time...
Okay, you know what, let's forget it. There's no characters at all. We can focus on graphics now, right, right...
I honestly wanted to give this series a single good thing, but for all that's holy, it's harder than finding a needle in a haystack.
As you might suspect now, I didn't have any enjoyment in watching this anime. None at all. I was hoping for an ordinary, ecchi anime with a subtle romantic plot to go with it. Like Love Hina, if nothing better. What I got instead was constant checking how many minutes are left till it's over. I hoped for a single smile, seeing as it has the 'comedy' tag pinned to it. What I got were facepalms, facedesks and now a headache. I hoped for the satisfaction after watching it, plot conclusion, anything. You can imagine what I got. Nothing of the sort.
I wish I could drop all the salt here, but sadly, what I've written above is a half-assed review-like thing that hopes to tell you how bad Eiken is without naming things what they are. If I dropped all the salt there, this review wouldn't ever see the daylight. Thanks for reading. I need to take a nap now and hope it cleanses my soul.
Total score: 103/100
Judgement: BEYOND THE BOUNDARIES